Never Felt So Alive

Here's an interesting message I got when I couldn't sleep last night and spent the early morning hours on www.myspace.com (again!). 

"heyy! ok sooo this one is gonna sound kinda crazy too... but its late so hear me out and be open minded ;)
 
im a grad student at georgia tech and i live in a condo in buckhead... its nice, theres two tvs, a pool, etc... i was wondering if you would like to use the condo for a date with any guy you want sometime... i could help you get ready and pay for everything and stock the fridge and leave money if you want to go out then leave when its time... i would love the humiliation and this is seriously a huge fantasy for me... let me know if you would be interested!"

What?!  I don't get it!  Some people have the strangest fetishes!  Needless to say, I will not be writing this guy back ...

On Friday morning, www.myspace.com became the bearer yet again of more information I did not really care to know. 

The receptionist called in sick, so it was up to me to cover the front desk Friday.  Well, there's not a lot to do up at the front, so I started browsing the site and came across Jay's profile, Jay of the Jay and Cody duo. 

So, I clicked his profile and found out that Jay, who told me he hadn't been in a relationship since December, has a girlfriend ... a seemingly serious girlfriend.  As in, "i love her to death" serious. 

You know, if we were just hanging out, as friends, I wouldn't give a crap.  However, the fact that 1) he lied to me and 2) he was the one making all of the advances made me really upset.  Yeah, I was attracted to him, but I wasn't about to make anything of it.  I would have been perfectly content to pass out at 2am when I wanted rather than stay up all night talking, but it was Jay who said to me in the middle of a conversation, "What would you think if I kissed you right now?"  It was Jay who tried to go further than kissing, but I stopped him.  Jay who seemed like the ideal sweet, Southern "nice guy" is just as big of a sleezeball as the rest of them.  I feel sorry for his girlfriend.

So, I got on an anti-male kick, moping about how I am always the girl who is good enough to mess around with but never the girl good enough to be in a relationship with.  I stayed on this wavelength until Val and I were leaving the Braves game (which they lost ... AGAIN) and I got a text message from Hulk, asking me what I was doing.  Funny because prior to my anti-male kick, I had planned on text messaging Hulk that night, especially since I didn't get a chance to hang out with him the night I went to Vision.

Hulk and I made plans to get together once I got back from the game.  Well, Val and I in our attempt to get home, with our luck, took the wrong train and ended up on the wrong side of town, 30 minutes in the wrong direction! haha So, with all of the train transferring, I didn't make it to Hulk's place until almost 2am. 

That night was by far the best night I have ever spent with him.  He is leaving to go home for the summer this week, and if I don't get to hang out with him again before he goes, I would be perfectly fine with that, because the time we spent together was just that great.  When I had told my friend Justin about Hulk, I had said, "Well, I've been kinda seeing this guy since January."  He asked, "What do you mean 'kinda seeing'?"  I said, "Well, we hang out ... but not on a consistent basis."  His response: "It's not the quantity of the time you spend together, it's the quality of time you spend together that's important."  So wise at 21 years old! haha

Some highlights of the evening:
We were watching a show on the Discovery channel about how to survive in the ocean if you were stranded.  He says, "I love these shows.  I watch them so much, I don't think I could ever die."

We were talking about sleeping with a professor. 
He asks, "Would you ever sleep with one of your professors?"
I said, "Well, probably.  My psych professor is pretty hot."
He asks, "How old is he?"
Me: "I don't know.  I think 30?"
Hulk: "Oh, so he's your age then."
Ummm, no!  I'm stressed enough about turning 22 next week!  Thanks for that!

We were getting ready for bed and he looks at what I am wearing (workout pants and a t-shirt) and asks, "Do you always sleep in all of your clothes?" 
Me: "Unless someone takes them off me."
He must have laughed for probably a good 5 minutes, saying, "That was the smoothest thing I have ever heard!"

Yeah, I'm probably going to miss him while he's gone ...

Last night, I went to Vision with my new friend, Holly, who is my chemistry lab partner this semester.  This girl is a trip!  Not your typical girl - prissy, whiny, obsessed with appearance, etc. - so we get along great!  Vision is a trendy dance/nightclub so I had a hard time believing that she would have a good time at a place like that.  Her typical scene would be a small, smoky, crowded bar, but some guy friends of hers were going so we went along.

As soon as we walked in, I had a feeling that she was determined to hate the place.  From the way she talked, it sounded like she would much rather have been at this gay bar she went to with a guy friend last week.  "I don't see anything special about this place!"  But I thought to myself, oh, we just need a couple beers to loosen up and then we'll have a good time!

So, we did just that ... and that girl became a freak on the dance floor!  We danced for 2-3 hours straight.  By the end of the night, my knees, legs and feet ached, and I was dripping with sweat.  We just danced with the guys we were with, so new interesting developments came of the evening which was cool - still an awesome time!  I did run into Devon who I met previously at another club.  I tried unsuccessfully to avoid him because I didn't want him to ask me why I hadn't called (I didn't really know the reason why - he seemed like a nice guy ...).

I am beginning to curse www.myspace.com.  I love running into people on there from high school and catching up.  I won't even need to go to my high school reunion at this rate - we'll all still be in touch through the Internet!  Anyway, similar to how I began talking to Dave, a guy I went to high school with contacted me the other day, asking how I've been and what I've been up to.  Different from my situation with Dave, I actually knew who this guy was by reputation, one of the "cool" guys.  I had no idea he knew who I was.  So, we talked online for a little bit tonight.  As we were talking, he said, "I wish I would have talked to you more when I had the chance.  You are a pretty girl big time."  We made plans to hang out the next time I go home - the end of May.

It was really sweet of him to say the things he said, but I have to wonder where these guys were when I needed them.  I always looked for reasons to get out of my relationship with X.  Any of these guys could have been just what I needed to stay away from X for good, and then I wouldn't have had to disrupt my life and my entire family's lives.  However, I have to keep reminding myself that I came to Atlanta for a reason, some purpose I am not aware of yet.  Plus, it is getting to the point where I wake up in the morning and remind myself, "You always want what you can't have."  It's like my motto anymore.  I have to wonder if these guys are attracted to me because I'm in Georgia.  I'm like the girl who got away.  There is some great interest in wondering what could have been if this and this and this had/hadn't happened.  I know I think about that a lot myself. 

Back to studying ...

Last night, Val and I did a double-date! Those are always a blast (i.e. Ronnie and Jon, Zach and Jeremy, Billy and Johnson, etc.) Last night was Cody and Jay, the guys we met at the Braves home opener.

Val gave me full credit for picking them up! Yesss!! I was standing way too close to Cody while waiting for the bus to the train... so close that he stepped on my foot. Score! He apologized profusely ... to the point where Val and I were like, Ok, just hit on us already! His big line? "So, do you girls have boyfriends?" ha haha We all hung out that night at our place but it was uneventful--we all wanted to have a few drinks but it was still Lent.

So, they came over last night after baseball practice, about 11:30pm. Val and I had already started drinking by the time they got there, playing video games and ping pong. I was about wasted after one. I have no tolerance. I was trying to play ping pong and drink my beer at the same time, so some of it missed my mouth and I said, "Oops! I speared my bill!"

What's awesome about hanging out with Val is that I would have had just as great of a time even if the guys hadn't come over ... but they did make things quite entertaining. At one point, we were all sitting outside. Val and Cody went down to the lake while Jay and I talked. When they came back, I noticed Val had a funny look on her face so I knew instantly that something happened (apparently, Cody was giving Jay a similar look). What am I talking about? I knew BEFORE I saw the face that something was going on, even when something was ABOUT to happen! At that point, I thought, Good! It's set now ... Val has Cody, I get Jay (even though Val and I had already worked that out the night we met them, haha).

Jay is really sweet. He's quiet and nice, like me. Val can have "the talker" --that better fits with her personality, haha. I haven't hung out with Jay enough to remember what he looks like when he's not here. I do remember that he looks like an attractive version of our unattractive friend, Billy, but all I can picture when I think of Jay, is Billy!

So Jay and I stayed up almost all night talking (excellent kisser). Val and Cody did the same, I think.

However, I woke up in the morning after two hours of sleep, cursing Val. I was only going to have two beers (I was plenty intoxicated after two) but she peer pressured me into having a third (it didn't take much convincing) and I do believe it was that third one that made me get sick in the downstairs bathroom the next morning! But it was worth it! haha Thanks, Val! Love ya!

Well, I didn't end up going on my date tonight.  I waited around for him to call until about 7pm and then fell right asleep, I was exhausted.  I woke up about 10pm, wondering if maybe something was wrong with my phone.  It has a tendency to not ring or not alert me that I have messages until about 3-4 days after the fact.  So, I turned it off, turned it back on, and after a minute, it went off twice.  Uh oh.  I knew that meant I had missed him.

Apparently, he called and texted at 5:30pm.  Interestingly, I was on the phone at 5:30pm with Tonto who has since quit the company.  He had called me earlier in the week to announce an "interesting new personal development."  I told him I would have to call him back to get details because I was carpooling and didn't want to be rude to Judy by staying on the phone the whole time.  The girls at work scolded me for not getting the juicy gossip so I called him the next night but he did not answer.  By this point, the girls were DYING to know what was going on and had me email him.  He promised to call that night. 

His big news: "I left (insert wife's name here) for good."

The bet going around work is that now he is going to try to get with me.  Just what I need! ... no thanks!

Anyways, I haven't called Nick back yet because I'm going to be honest with him about what happened and I know that means he won't believe me, because guys believe me when I'm lying but don't believe me when I'm telling the truth (i.e. the toenail incident).  Apparently, I am very skilled in lying but just haven't had enough practice in honesty to be believable.

On another note, I talked to Justin last night.  Justin is one of our frat friends who I kinda had an interest in at one point.  We went on one date to the symphony (which we still have not heard the end of) and then it was just awkward between us from then on.  I decided that he was just too young for me (almost 4 years difference). 

Part of our conversation was about how Justin had drunken sex on Monday night on the floor next to a passed out Rob.  I have to admit that I was quite shocked that he would share this information with me (and yet, refuse to tell me who with until I had badgered him to the point of annoyance).  For me, ths is not normal.  I mean, I wasn't like, "Hey!  Guess what I did on Saturday night!"  I would never tell him because I would worry that it would cause jealousy.  Not because I think I'm so great or whatever, but because there was something between us at one point ...

I'm just going to be glad that we're still friends and that he feels he can talk to me about those sorta things, I guess ...

Ugghh, slightly disgusted with myself right now. 

I was walking out of class and had the urge to text Hulk.  Usually, if I wait long enough, I can talk myself out of stuff like that.  Then, I'll kick myself for over-thinking things .... AGAIN ... instead of just doing what I want to do.  Tonight, however, would have been a good night to over-think.  I don't know where the urge came from.  I don't know why I ever text him.  I always say something I don't completely mean.  If I could turn back time, I wouldn't have sent it.

So, to redeem myself in my mind and to forget about the travesty I just committed, I came home and promptly scheduled a date with Nick, a guy I've been talking to online for a couple of weeks.  To further push tonight's event out of my mind, I might just schedule another date as well ...

Speaking of dates, I meant to write about the worst date I have ever, EVER been on.  If I could turn back time, I wouldn't have wasted my time.  It was with Chris (and yes, this is another Internet dating disaster).  I was still new in town and wanted to see a Braves game.  So, I bought tickets (GREAT seats) and invited Chris.  We met up at a shopping center.  I drove.  Mistake number one--downtown Atlanta is a good 30-35 miles away and scary to drive through for the first time ... he definitely should have driven--or at least offered.

I asked him what he wanted to do for dinner. He said, "Whatever you want to do." 

I said great, because I was dying for a hot dog from the park!  He said ok and then, as we were driving by a Chic-Filet and he said, "Why don't we stop there to eat?" 

I said, "Oh, is that where you want to eat?"  He said again, whatever I wanted to do, but it was plainly obvious that he was just saying that to look like a good guy ... so I played Agreeable Girl and said, "Well, it seems like you want to go here so that's fine."

I had never had Chic-Filet before.  I was completely disgusted by it.  Thought it tasted like cafeteria food (apparently an acquired taste since I eat it every week now).  He, meanwhile, was chowing down with his very yellow teeth--which, by the way, were conveniently not shown in any of his pictures online ... his pictures taken from far away--yep, learned my lesson on that one.

Anyways, with my appetite completely destroyed, we left Chic-Filet.  As I was backing out, a car came speeding around the corner, and I slammed on my brakes.  Chris looked around, saw that the other driver was African-American and said, "That n-----!"

I think I slammed on my brakes again and said, "EXCUSE ME?!" 

And he actually repeated himself.

The motherly type that I am, I threatened to turn the car around and take him back.  Him using that word was something that we had talked about before because he had used it on the phone once and I refused to talk to him for a couple of weeks.  Us going to the game together was supposed to be a chance for me to let stuff go and to give it another try.  I was ready to go without him (and probably would have preferred it) but he said he would straighten up. 

After a few minutes of silence, he said, "You know, you're in the south now.  You better get used to it." 

I said, "I don't have to 'get used' to anything, especially THAT word."  I shot him an evil glare but gave up on the idea of taking him back since we were already on the freeway.

We got to the game.  Despite my company, I was really enjoying the sights and sounds of Turner Field and imagined how great it would be to be there without Chris.  I was determined not to let this experience sour me on being a Braves fan.  Chris didn't seem to catch on that I was not having a good time because each time he walked by me to get a beer, he would tap me on the leg a couple of times.  I would flinch and shudder.

I survived nine innings with this guy, coming out of it a stronger, more patient person, I think.  Since this night didn't send me to the crazy house, I was convinced nothing could.  Part of what got me through the evening was sneaking off to the bathroom to call my friend, Micah, to make plans with him for when I escaped my personal hell hole.

But since Murphy's Law must always apply, this HAD to be the night I got my first taste of true Atlanta traffic.  I was done with this guy as soon as the date began.  I thought I was done with this guy when the game ended.  Little did I know, I was about to spend another two and a half hours with him in construction traffic. 

We both made it back alive.  He thanked me for taking him and even asked for another date.  It had never been so easy to tell someone "NO." 

I have gone from never updating to updating too much! ...but I wanted to write about Billy.  I wrote about Billy a long time ago.  We had only gone out a couple of times but it seems as if I've known him forever.  Actually, I've probably "known" him almost as long as I've been in GA.  We met over the Internet and talked for months before I actually met him in person.  I think the other guys I had met through the Internet made me nervous to meet him and go through yet another nightmare date--which reminds me, I need to write about the worst ever!  Will do later tonight!

Anyways, I finally met him and ended up having a really good time but then things got so dramatic, so we only ended up hanging out twice, I think.  Eventually, I pissed him off so bad, he stopped talking to me altogether, including online.  I was glad too.  I didn't want someone I thought was a drama queen making my life complicated.

But he was still on my list, so I knew when he was online ... and not talking to me.  I thought he would come around eventually and give in, but he didn't.  And I really started to miss talking to him, but I certainly wasn't going to be the one to contact him. 

Then, during the party, I got a message from him.  I was drunk off my ass so I barely remember anything that was said.  I did remember he told me that he had gone to Ohio to party (who, by the way, goes to Ohio to PARTY??!!), and apparently, being there made him think of me. 

So, last night, I talked to him (sober).  It was really great to talk to him again.  I forgot how sweet and funny he was.  I forgot how, yeah, school was tough but at least he was going to be rich when he got out and how he was going to move to California and how his nerdiness is attractive in the weirdest way, etc. etc.  Then I remembered how he has this awesome voice that drives me crazy.  I wanted to talk to him on the phone but again, I wasn't going to be the one to call him or even bring it up.  Pfft!

I'm sure if we keep talking, eventually I'll be reminded why we never worked out ... it's just not clear right now what that reason was.  But anyways, I'm off to the bar for a beer and to watch the Braves game with Val! 

I wonder if he still reads my blog .... hahaha

Well, I didn't end up driving to Kentucky this weekend to meet Dave.  Instead, Val and I threw our first house party!  It was partly to celebrate the new house and partly to celebrate the end of Lent. 

This year, Val and I gave up four things:  the usual pop and chocolate but also alcohol and sex.  The alcohol and sex we knew were going to be difficult.  We were partying with the guys every weekend and we were both seeing someone.  Fortunately, since the two often go hand-in-hand, not drinking pretty much meant not having sex.  We would go to parties with the guys and would leave about 15-20 minutes into it because everyone would be drinking, playing beer pong, etc.    When people asked why we weren't drinking, we would tell them that we gave it up for Lent and they would respond, "Oh, so you gave up something you weren't supposed to be doing in the first place?" Oops.

I didn't know if I was going to make it because of Hulk.  Val didn't know if she was going to make it because of Ronnie.  The last week was the hardest week of Lent.  We went to the Braves home opener and more than anything, we wanted a beer and hot dog.  We went with our friends, Ryan and Kyle, who ditched us after sitting with us for only a couple of innings.  It turned positive though when we met Jay and Cody while waiting to take the bus back to the train. 

But we DID make it!  47 days without chocolate, pop, alcohol, or sex.  What an accomplishment for us!  So it was only natural that we have a party and a toast the minute Lent ended.  A good number of people came out.  Most left early due to Easter service the next morning, but it was still a great party! 

I was up in my room at 4am, about to pass out, jealous that the Marine came to the party (without  Hulk) and was in Val's room, obviously up to something.  Then, I heard car doors and voices, looked out the window and saw Hulk walking up with friends.  Ok, so I was a little excited ...

I walk out of my room and hear the Marine say, "Oh Michelle, someone is here to see you!"  We go out to the garage where everyone had cleared out.  I was on my way back up to my room, probably to go pass out for real this time, when the Marine stops me in the hall and says that the Hulk and I need to talk.  I asked what we need to talk about.  I'm still confused when Hulk walks up.  The Marine pushes us toward the stairs and tells us to go talk.  So we went up to my room to catch up until 6am.  Yep, the feelings are back...

So, I went another month without updating so that leaves a lot of stories to tell to catch up again!

As I was walking through the mall the day of my last post, I was stopped by one of those vendors that are lined up as I was walking out of Victoria's Secret. I thought, oh great, someone wants to sell me their overpriced junk. So, I was polite and stopped and only planned to give him 5 minutes before I walked away. Long enough to be polite but no so long to lead him on and then not buy anything, then that would just be rude. Unfortunately, he was a good-looking Italian guy so I ended up staying for the whole spiel and ended up spending $50. He ended up asking me for my phone number. I gave it to him and agreed on dinner the next night but as I was talking to Val about him, she pointed out, "He's 27, and all he does is run a little booth in the mall??" She was right! Definitely NOT in line with what I am looking for in a guy! So, I decided against going out with him.

However, I was talking to my mom about this guy and she told me about a woman who never turned down a date. She ended up with some great stories and ended up with a man she never would have pictured herself with. I thought that was a great idea. Lord knows, I love to tell stories of my whacked dates! Maybe start that practice with the next guy who asks me out ...??

I went on a date with Lacrosse Guy this past week. That was a nightmare. Part of me feels bad for not liking him though because I think Val likes him a lot and that does NOT happen often. He is definitely fun to party with, BUT he was horrible company for a date. Rude to the waitress and a bad tipper and I just can't tolerate that. At one point, he actually turned to me and asked, "Why is she smiling so much??" Not joking. Ohio Randy must have known the key to my heart because he always tipped 50%.

When I told Val about the date, she scolded me for being too picky. Call me picky but I refuse to settle for less than what I want.

Was supposed to also go out with "OC" this week too, but I canceled on him for the first scheduled date and he canceled on me for the second. We can't seem to get our crap together.

Hulk and I saw each other for the first time in over a month the other night at the bar. It was different because normally, I want to sit with him, talk to him, and that night, I just did not care. Instead, I had a nice conversation with a guy from England with a great accent (who actually ended up canceling the date we set up for the next night). I told Val I felt bad because I felt like I blew Hulk off but she told me not to worry so much ... after all, how many times had he blown me off???

Also, talked to X for the first time in a loooong while. It was ironic because I had been talking about him earlier that day and about our spray tan experience. Just like Hulk, no emotions whatsoever when speaking to him. Good.

Finally, Dave. Still think he is wonderful. Still wish he would move down here. I'm going to remind myself of the phrase, "You always want what you can't have" and assume that if he were here, I wouldn't want to have anything to do with him anyway ... but as soon as I tell myself that, another part of me says, "Yeah, but this one is different!" Sure, they all are ... Anyways, we had a discussion tonight about meeting up halfway just so we could have some alone time together. Hope it works out. I miss him like crazy.

I am sitting on my porch, on the most gorgeous day of the year, hopefully the end of what felt like an eternal winter. Since I last wrote, lots happened--lots would happen in the course of 5 months I guess.

Maybe the biggest news is our purchase of a townhouse in Woodstock! Great place, great neighborhood, lots of potential--HOWEVER, we were supposed to move in January 15 and still have not even closed on the place. When we signed the contract in November, the place was about done. We are now on our SIXTH closing date thanks to weather delays, plumbing problems, and delays from the county.

Second biggest news is, of course, the love life. Steve and I did not last long once I got back from Vegas. We went out to eat with the guys one night and he was a jackass to the wait staff and that was it for me. So I overbooked myself for the next week until he decided that we just didn’t have enough time for each other. I threw a minor fit so as to not hurt his feelings by showing how I really felt (indifferent). Apparently, I took it a little too far because he told Val to try to calm me down and to try to help me understand why he did what he did …

Nothing ever developed between me and Aaron which is ok because he is back with his girlfriend. I met her a couple of months ago and she is the sweetest. I don’t mind losing to her. Things may just now be developing between Val and Kyle? She and Daniel broke up just before me and Steve. She’s been relatively single since the break up so we’ve been having a great time going out, racking them up and shooting them down.

We’ve spent countless nights with the Theta Chi guys who are always a blast. No other relationships have developed out of that besides a short thing between Val and Ryan and an uneventful thing between me and Justin. There was one especially embarrassing night where Val and I drank waaay too much and began puking at the same time, in opposite bathrooms. Hey, we do EVERYTHING together!

We’ve also spent several nights with the guys from the hockey team. Wow, I thought the nights with Theta Chi were crazy … nights with the hockey guys were insane! Drinking, streaking, sex, crazy ex-girlfriends outside the bedroom window … I really can’t say much more without being explicit and vulgar but those were some fun nights!

I didn’t date much after Steve because when I went home to Ohio for Thanksgiving, I met Dave. Dave and I apparently went to high school together, graduated the same year, had the same friends and didn’t know it. He found me on www.myspace.com and sent me a message along the lines of, “You went to my high school? Why haven’t I ever seen you before?” The guy looked familiar to me and from what I thought I knew of him and from the message, he was an asshole, so I just wrote back, “Yeah, I don’t know. You look familiar to me.” He kept writing and surprisingly, he started calling. We talked until we were absolutely dying to see each other during Thanksgiving break. We met up at a mutual friend’s house and hung out with some guys there. I drove him back to his house at the end of the night and went home completely in love with him. The next night, I waited until everyone was in bed so I knew I had spent as much quality family time together as possible, and then called Dave to come over. We watched Cheaters and all of those other horrible late night shows, he gave me a small peck when he left and I was even more in love with him. The next month until Christmas was even more painful and leaving him was harder because the time I spent with him was so much shorter. And what made it worse was that I met his family (all wonderful) and went shopping for them with him so I became even more connected to him. When I came back to Georgia, we spent the next week, trying to convince the other to move or trying to think of some resolution to our little situation. I think we gave up on that. It’s been three months since I’ve seen Dave so I’ve moved on some since but of course no one really compares.

I’ve been having a good time lately with “The Hulk”. He’s on the hockey team and I served him and the guys one day at the bar where I now work with Val. After my shift, they poured me a beer and invited me to sit with them. When they finished, they were working out who was driving. Someone asked who Hulk was riding home with. He looked at me and I raised my eyebrows at him and he turned back to the guys and said, “I don’t know, I think I’m going home with Michelle!” And that was the start of this two-month “relationship&rdquo ; we have going on here. I say “relationship&rdquo ; because it’s obvious that there’s no substance really, just sex. But this guy (or should I say kid … just turned 20, I’m about to be 22!) is a walking contradiction. He makes it seem like it’s all about sex … when the guys are around. But when it’s just us, he wants to know why I don’t call him more often, etc. The other night, we were both out and about and ran into each other at one place, then, when I left with my group, he wanted to know why I didn’t stay when I knew he was there??? One night, before we went to bed and I was setting my alarm, he asked what time I was setting it for. I told him 5:30am and he asked me to set it earlier so we could spend time together before I had to leave. I said, “Aww, you’re going to get up early just so you can mess around with me??” and he said, “Don’t call it THAT!” ???