Never Felt So Alive

Ok, Marriott! 

You don't want to go out with me?

I'll just go out with your friend.

Because, hey, apparently that's what I do.

Yes, folks.  It's happening to me again.  After a failed attempt with the guy I was initially going after, here comes the best friend! 

Hulk is gone a week and here comes Walsh.  Marriott appears to lose interest in me about as quickly as he shows interest ... but not to worry!  Here comes Best Friend!  And come to think of it, the same thing happened with X!  I had been dating his best friend first.  X felt that the best friend wasn't treating me very well, so he moved in and "stole" me.

To explain how Best Friend and I started talking is soo complicated, but I'll give it a go. 

Marriott and I actually started talking through a personals service a long time ago, but when we talked online, he seemed uninterested. 

One day, I get a message from someone I don't know.  It's a guy saying I'm on his list but he has no idea who I am or how I got there.  We exchange pictures.  Nothing.  But hey, he's cute!  We start naming off people we know.  Finally, he comes to Marriott's name.  Bingo.

But, the fling with Marriott was long dead, so Best Friend and I talked once or twice and that was it.

I proceed to run into Marriott and college hockey games, meeting in person for the first time.  Nothing develops.  Again run into Marriott at a dance club.  We dance and he asks me out.  We go out twice.  One of those times, Best Friend was there and we had a nice conversation.  Marriott and I have dinner one night and he says, "I'll call you tomorrow" and I never hear from him again. 

Until our most recent run-in when he spots me walking down Peachtree and flirts shamelessly via text messages.  We make plans.  Nothing develops.  Go figure.

Then, I'm online one night very late, working on a presentation for work and Best Friend sends me a message out of nowhere.

He said, "You're up late."
"Yeah, so are you! What are you doing?"
"Catching up on email.  What are you doing?"
"Presentation for work."
"You know, your independence is really sexy.  You don't find that among most people our age, especially girls."
"Really?  I thought it was the other way around."
"What are you doing tomorrow?"
"Nothing planned."
"I work 3-11.  We're going to go out for a drink after work.  You should come with us."
"Is Marriott going to be there?"
"Yes."
"I don't think he would want me to be there."
"Are you having Marriott drama?"
"Sorta."
"What happened?"
"Well, he contacts me and asks me out and doesn't follow through.  I just wish he would leave me alone if he's not serious."
"Don't worry about it, he's cool. (What does that mean??)  Here's my number.  Call me about tomorrow."

Well, my dumbass took a nap after work and set the alarm that does not work on my phone, so I slept until 1am and missed going out.  I got online.  He got online at 2am.

"You must just be getting in?"
"It appears that way ... what happened to you?"
"I fell asleep!  I wanted to come out though."
"That sucks.  What are you going to do until you can fall asleep again?"
"I have no idea!"
"I was going to say we should meet up, but we're pretty far from each other."
"Oh well, another time."

Interesting.  I couldn't believe he was suggesting we hang out ... without Marriott.  It remains to be seen where this is heading ...

Latest update:

-Walsh called the other night to see if I wanted to hang out.  Damn!  I had hoped he would just forget what happened between us.  I had plans.  He said to call if my plans fell through.  Plans did fall through (they were with "Marriott", of course).  Called Walsh at 11pm.  Luckily, he was in bed.

-After this difficult development, emailed Hulk at the suggestion of the girls at work.  Just a typical, "Hey, how are you?" email to feel him out.  He hasn't responded.  Problem solved?

-As I said earlier, Marriott canceled.  I said, "Oh well, maybe we can catch up in a couple of weeks. Have a friend coming in town from Ohio."  He said, "Hopefully sooner than that!"  Umm, did you hear what I just said?  I knew he would flake.  I give up, I don't care how cute you are!

In other news, last night we had what may be our last party ever.

It started off well.  I passed out at 3am but was rudely awoken at 5am by the sound of dripping water??  My neighbors had problems with roof leaks so when I heard the noise, I was like, Great, it's raining outside and now MY roof is leaking! 

Not the case.

As I pulled myself up and began stumbling down the hall to the sound of the noise, I realized one of the guys was standing in the hall closet ... peeing!  In my hall closet!
I said, "Holy shit, Justin!  You are peeing IN MY CLOSET!!"
He mumbled, "Mmm what?"
"You are PEE-ING in my CLO-SET!"
"Isn't everything a bathroom?"
"No, get in the bathroom!"
He went into the bathroom but I think he had completely emptied himself out in my closet.  When he came out, I asked, "Where are you sleeping?"
"I don't know."
I directed him to a blanket on the floor. "Sleep there, please."  I wanted to keep an eye on him so I could make sure he didn't do anything else stupid.

And I proceeded to clean up the mess in my closet ...

This morning, the first thing I said as I walked in the door was, "You girls won't BELIEVE what I did!"

The girls listened as I told them about my Friday evening and wouldn't you know ... those girls saw how upset I was with myself over what had happened and did everything they could possibly think of to right the situation in my mind.

Sharon says, "Here's what you do in case Hulk finds out ... you tell him, 'You didn't make it clear enough what we were before you left.' Because he didn't!  He should have made it official before he left."
"But,"Kirsty points out, "that doesn't explain why you made out with his friend!"
"Ok," Sharon says.  "Then here's what you do.  YOU call Hulk, you tell him that his friend made a pass at you and that he tried to make out with you but you stopped him.  That's the truth, isn't it?"

Wellll, yes.  It was the truth in a backward sort of way.  It was the truth with several important details missing.

I appreciated the girls nonetheless for still seeking the good in me, even when I did something disgusting.  What good friends I have!

Something quite unexpected occurred today while I was waiting at the corner of the train station for the girls from my carpool to pick me up.  They were running a good twenty minutes late so I called up Sharon to discuss the latest office gossip.

"So, I'm standing here on this corner and this guy I used to date has driven by twice.  Didn't stop either time.  Can you believe it?  How rude is that?"

"How do you know it's him?" Sharon asks.

"Well, he's driving a hotel shuttle van between the hotel and the train station.  He works at the one over by our office."

"Do you think he sees you?"

"He has to!  I am right here on the corner!  Plus, he knows I work in this area.  I can't believe he's not even saying hi.  Oh, there's my carpool ... finally!  Talk to you tomorrow!"

I jump in the Crown Victoria that has just pulled up next to me and prepare myself for a very long ride home.  As I get settled, my phone starts beeping.  I have a text message.  Guess who?!

"I'm pretty sure I just saw you walking down Peachtree!"
"I thought that was you! I was meeting my carpool.  How is work?"
"Good, I just figured you were joy walking."
"Haha riiight"
"Just sayin."
"Yes, I love long walks along the train station, the sound of rush hour traffic, so romantic ..."
"Haha I'm not gonna lie.  I was pretty turned on just watching."
"Oh so you like to watch huh?  What a perv!"
"Me and every other dude driving down Peachtree."
"Haha you're hilarious.  Don't go getting all cute on me."
"Cute is my middle name."
"I think your middle name is TEASE!"
"Happy hour started early for you today, huh?"
"I have to be drunk to flirt with you?"
"I prefer it."
"Why??"
"That was sarcasm for those keeping score.  Obviously you weren't!"
"Obviously ... you're a tough one to read."
"By the contrary, I'm an open book."
"Ok then, an open book with too many big words that make it hard to read."
"Sounds like a fun book to me."
"Maybe, I dont know.  I never got to get into it as much as I would have liked."
"I know I'm a terrible person, what can I possibly do to make it up to you?"
"What do you mean? I am just messing with you.  Is this sarcasm again?"
"I'm flirting."
"I don't know which is harder to figure out, your sarcasm or your flirting."
"How crazy would that be if they were the same?!"
"I'm starting to wonder."
"Nah, we should get a beer sometime."
"If you are being serious, yes.  If you are being sarcastic, no :)"
"I know what you're thinking.  No, I'm not crazy, I'm serious."
"Prove it to me, please."
"I just got off, come have a drink."
"Can't tonight, tomorrow?"
"That works but tonight would have been amazing.  Chitown weather."
"You crazy Northerner!"
"Yeah ok Ohio!"

We'll see if he follows through ...

So much for not doing anything to screw it up.  I did the WORST thing I could do to screw it up.

I made out with one of his friends.

The night started out innocently enough.  I left the Mexican restaurant to get ready to go out with the girls from work.  I grabbed my phone as I was walking out the door and noticed that I had two missed calls and two new voicemails.  It was the girls.  And they were canceling.  Apparently, the Mexican food and the Mexican beer wasn't sitting well with Abby who was now hunched over a toilet. 

I was disappointed.  I had needed a night out with the girls after having an off day emotionally.  I had found some old emails from X in the inbox of my rarely visited school address. 

I sat on the couch for several minutes, trying to decide whether I should go out alone and whether or not I was emotional enough to cry.  I went outside instead for some cool, fresh air and ran into my neighbor and his friend, Dan.  I talked to Dan for quite a while (we had a nice conversation the day before as well) and he ended up asking me out for Sunday. 
"I would love to take you out tonight, but we had a late night tonight and have an early morning tomorrow," he said.

My night was improving.

Next, Val called and said that some of the guys from the hockey team were up at the bar drinking.  Perfect!  Just the place I wanted to be with just the people I wanted to be with.  I would go in, have a beer, catch up with the guys and head home.  Or so I thought ...

I walked in, got a beer from Val and spotted Kyle waving to me from across the bar.  I went over to say hi to him and the 5 guys he was with.  I talked to one of the guys, we shall call him "Joe Walsh" for reasons explained in a recent hilarious karaoke incident, for a few minutes and was about to go find a seat at the bar to talk to Val when he said, "Why don't you pull up a chair?"

Walsh and I always have great conversations.  I like to talk to him about hockey, he likes to talk to me about my family.  We always have a good time when we hang out, which became more frequent since I started dating Hulk.  I had hoped that he and Val would get together.  He was crazy about her and I approved whole-heartedly.  Plus, there is nothing better when Val and I date best friends.  That way, we can spend time with each other and still spend time with the guys we are seeing.  I worked my butt off trying to get them together, but alas, nothing ever came of Val and Walsh.  She just was not attracted to him.  Somehow, he found a way to carry on ...

I only planned to stay an hour or so and ended up staying three.  The bar was closing and everyone was making arrangements as to where we were going to hang out.  Aaron invited us to his place to drink some more.  Walsh, his brother, and Kyle were going back to their place to watch a movie.  Val chose Aaron's.  I opted for Walsh's.  I didn't know some of the people going to Aaron's and would rather not deal with them in my very slightly drunk state.  Plus, I had never been to Aaron's before.  I just wanted to go somewhere familiar and pass out shortly.  I was comfortable enough with Walsh to do that at his place.

At Walsh's, Walsh and I played a little hockey on his PlayStation and then we put in a movie.  I curled up with Walsh, took a moment to appreciate how comfortable I was, and was just about to close my eyes when I realized, Uh-oh ... he's getting into position to make a move! 

As he kissed me, several emotions were running through my mind:

Emotion #1:  Empathy.  Which would be the better choice for everyone?
A.  Stop him to keep from ruining me and Hulk. 
B.  Keep making out with him so it doesn't hurt my friendship with him, and in turn, hurt maybe both Val's and my friendship with Aaron and Kyle.  

Emotion #2:  Confusion.  Didn't Walsh know about me and Hulk?
I mean, just last week when I was visiting Hulk before he left, Hulk had called Walsh.
Hulk: "What happened with you and that chick last night?"
Walsh:  "Dude, I don't even want to talk about it.  That's done! ... What are you doing?"
Hulk:  "Hanging out with Michelle."
Walsh:  "That's cool.  Well, I'll let you go then."

Emotion #3:  Fear.  Did Walsh know something I didn't?
As I was recounting the events of the evening the next day to Val, she said, "Why didn't you just say to him when he tried to make out with you, 'What about me and Hulk?' " 
Honestly, I was deathly afraid of the response I would get to that question.  What if he laughed at me because he knows that my relationship with Hulk is completely meaningless.  I mean, guys talk, right?  Maybe Walsh made the advance because he knows for sure that Hulk doesn't give a crap about me, he could take me or leave me, he's just using me.  Maybe asking that question would reveal too much about how I feel about Hulk ...

Emotion #4:  Reminiscent(???) 
After reading those emails I came across this morning, all I could think was, We had such a good relationship (at times).  Will I ever be able to connect like that with another person again?
Hulk doesn't do a lot of the things that Walsh did last night.  Hulk needs his space.  I recognize and respect that, so I don't bother him to hold me at night or to put his arm around me.  In fact, when I stay with him, we sleep in the same room but in separate beds.  So, to fall asleep all curled up with Walsh instead of alone, it was a good feeling for me.  It was like being with X again. 
I miss having someone to hold and having someone hold me, but Hulk doesn't express any sort of emotion very well.  It's like a miracle whenever I catch him doing it ...
Which led to my next emotion ...

Emotion #5:  Anger.  Why couldn't Hulk just tell me how he felt about this before he left?  And why didn't I just ask him?
I didn't ask him because I was afraid I would scare him off trying to talk about feelings.  I wish I would have now.  I would rather have scared him off then to sit here wondering where we stand.

And finally ...

Emotion #6:  Doubt.  Maybe it's not meant to be with Hulk.  Maybe I need to let it go.  Maybe I need more attention and affection than he can give me.  Maybe he's too young for me, too immature ... oh who knows what is going through my head anymore!

Anyways, I've got all these thoughts running rampant through my head and in the meantime, Walsh is trying to go the distance.  I have to keep moving his hands away from places they shouldn't be. 

"I keep getting shot down!" he laughs.
"You know I'm not that kind of girl," I say.
He says, "I know, I know.  You're a good girl." 
"If you know that, then why do you keep trying to stick your hand down my pants??"
His reponse?  The line of all lines men use to get a chick into bed ... "I don't want this to be a one-time thing."
I snort and say, "Yeah!  I've heard THAT one before!"  Well, ok so I've never heard it spoken directly to me but apparently Cody used that gem on Val and as of right now, that instance remains a "one-time thing."
He says, "It's not a line.  I want you because you're gorgeous and you're an awesome girl."

I was relieved when he finally fell asleep scoreless.  Now I could get a rest from the half-dozen emotions twisting my brain ... at least until morning.

This week, I returned to work from vacation .... sick as crap!

Every morning, I woke up completely nauseous but managed to drag myself to work nonetheless.  Thursday morning, I was late because I was busy vomiting (for the third time in a week) in my sink. 
"Why did you even come in?" Christy asked.
"Well," I explained, "I'm only sick in the mornings.  I start to feel better by about 10am so I might as well be here."
Cynthia and Christy shoot each other a look and Christy asks, "Are you pregnant?"
"What?!  No! ... I mean, I don't THINK so ... well, I guess there could be a SMALL possibility ..."
Cynthia says, "You should take a test, rule it out."
Christy asks, "Do you need one?"  No, I already have one left over from my previous incident.  Best to use it now ... it's about to expire!

So, this morning, I took the test and it, of course, came back negative.  I knew it.  But just in case, my co-worker and I had planned out what I would do if I was.
"What would you say to him?" she asked.
"I think I would say, 'I'm pregnant, it's yours, and it's up to you how much involvement you want.' "
"But what about child support?"
"I would leave that up to him.  He can contribute if he wants but otherwise, I'm fine."  I'm not into forcing people to be involved in something they don't want to be.  Who's life would be improved by that?  Not his, not mine, and certainly not the baby's.
"What would your mom think?"
"You know, I think she MIGHT actually be ok with it."
"She's ready for a grandbaby, isn't she?"
"Yeah, I think so."

I think the girls at work were more anxious about my test results than I was.  I knew I would be fine either way. 

The benefit of not being pregnant was that I could go out tonight with them as planned and celebrate my 22nd birthday with a few drinks.  We went to a Mexican restaurant for margaritas and chips and salsa. 

There are ALWAYS good-looking guys at this Mexican restaurant.  The girls encouraged me to hit on some of them.  I tried using my own personal patented wink (which is more like an awkward, face-twisting blink) but was unsuccessful.  Besides, I consider myself somewhat taken! 
The girls insist, "You're single for the summer at least!"
But I say, "Yeah, well I don't want to do anything to screw it up." 
He asked me twice before he left, "How many dudes are you going to hook up with this summer while I'm gone?"  When he comes back and asks me how many it was, I want to be able to look him in the eye and say, "None."

While there, four of us decided that we were going to run home, get ready and then head out to a country line dancing bar I've never been to.  So, I'm working on sobering up a little to head out there ... I'm off to get ready!

My mom came down this week for my birthday, so Val and I have put serious partying on hold this week.  That can wait for next week while we show Mom the sites of Atlanta. 

I did want to get away, once Mom went to bed, for a little bit to say goodbye to Hulk at some point.  I tried on Thursday, but us girls watched a movie late at night, and by the time I called Hulk, he was too plastered to make sense. I called him Friday to see if I could stop by his place before my last final on Saturday morning instead. 

So, I woke him up at 9:30am Saturday morning and spent an hour talking to him--another great conversation.  I have to say that I've learned more about him in the past two weeks than I have in the past 5 months I've been seeing him. 

I was looking at his tattoo (a big cross on his left arm) and noticed it said something across the horizontal part of the cross ... but all I could make out was an M.
I said, "What does your tattoo say right here?"
And as he answered, I finally made it out and felt my eyes get huge, "MCS."
I asked, "What does that stand for?"
He answered, "It's my cousins initials."
I said, "You know those are MY initials too?"
He laughed and said, "Are they?  That's funny because I would never get a girl's name or initials tattooed on my body ... EVER!"
I said, "Well, you did! ... accidentally!"

I had to leave at 10:45am to get to my final on time so at 10:43am when he got out of bed and started to head to the bathroom, I asked, "Are you going to make out with me before I go??"
He said, "No way!  I have morning breath from drinking last night!"
I said, "I don't care.  Get over here!"
He said he was too self-conscious and decided to brush his teeth until 10:44am.  He sat on the bed, put his arms around me, and gave me "a look" so I said, "What?!  I have to go!"
He said, "Aren't you going to leave me with anything?  Can't I get one kiss?"  Li ke I'm going to turn that down.  Then, he decided he wanted to drive me to my class.  "That way, you have to come back here AFTER your exam." 

I walked back after my class, only planning on spending half an hour and ended up staying an hour.  It was a quick goodbye because we were both now late getting to our families, but it was hard for me nonetheless.  Val kept telling me not to get attached to this guy, but I couldn't help it. He's been the most consistent guy in my life in a very long time.  Even if the amount of time we spent together was not always consistent, his behavior and our relationship always was, and it makes me sad to lose not just the consistency but the way we interacted with each other.  And the past two times we spent together where the interaction was really great, makes it even harder.  It just might be a very long summer ...