Never Felt So Alive

Ok, so I am really going to have to work on this "in a relationship" thing ...

Saturday, I talked to the Marine.  It was brief.  Lots of "I miss you"s and other mushy stuff.  He would have his phone on Sunday too so he agreed to call me the next day also.

Saturday night, I went out to a nightclub with Val, Danielle and William.  It was very blah.  Not enough young people and too much crappy music.  I got hit on once by a 30-something named Steve. 

He sat down right in front of me and put his hand on my leg while saying hello.  He was decent looking--probably one of the best looking guys there anyways.  We talked for a few minutes.  The conversation was lacking (I try not to make conversation if I'm not interested) so I thought he would get up, shake my hand, say "nice to meet you," and be on his way. 

Instead, he grabbed my left hand to inspect my ring finger.
"So, are you married?  Engaged?" he asked loudly.
"No."
"Gotta boyfriend?" 
I hesitated.  I didn't know what I had.  "No."
"Can I take you out sometime then?"

I gave him my number and shrugged my shoulders at Val and Danielle once he left.

Sunday came and I got another phone call from the Marine.
"I'm jealous you went out without me last night."
"Why?"
"I don't know ... what if some guy tries to steal you out from under me?"
"I did get approached by one guy ... he asked me if I had a boyfriend and honestly, I didn't really know what to say ..."
"Well, what did you want to say?"
"I wanted to say 'yes'."  (and not just because I wasn't into the guy from the club)
"Well then, that's what you should say."
"Is that what I have?"
"If that's what you want ..."
"I know it's what I want, is it what you want?"

So, we agreed to be exclusive.  That way, he didn't have to worry about me while he was gone, and I didn't have to worry about him.  I was happy.

The girls decided spur of the moment Sunday night that we were going out again to make up for the lousy Saturday night we had. 

When we got there, we were almost immediately approached by some older, foreign guys who were fun at first but then got to be too pushy.

That's when a British gent stepped him and got the guys to back off. 

I was so grateful, I gave him my phone number. 

Another guy approached me shortly after the British guy left.  He was cute.  I gave him my phone number too.

Wow, I was maybe only 5 or 6 hours into my new "relationship," and I was already picking up other guys. 

I didn't mean to.  I wasn't trying.  I hadn't even done my hair that night.  I didn't give any guy "the look."  I don't even think I even made eye contact all night.  I was just there to dance with my girls. 

And when the guys approached, in my mind, I was thinking, Sure, it's just dinner.  It's nothing serious.  Just someone to get to know ... and be ... just friends ...

Yeah, right.  From what I hear, no guy approaches a girl with the intention of making a new friend. 

But I felt guilty about my new relationship status.  It's really conceited, but I kind of worry that maybe I'm letting someone down by being in a relationship?   The guys I know down here have always known me as single.  Maybe they were counting on me always being single?  Plus, I was kind of in the middle of something with several guys ...

And then, there's Ohio.  I have no idea how to tell him, because prior to Sunday, I had no idea what we were or where he saw "us" going, if anywhere.  If I had known we were just friends, I would know what to say.  If I knew we were trying to make something of it, I would know how to break it to him. 

Not knowing our status though makes for what is bound to be an awkward conversation ...

This week was ... I don't even know what to say about this week ...

Talked to Ohio Monday.  Turns out that he had not called all last week because he had confused my schedule, thinking that I was in class every night until 10pm ... and he had been in bed by 10pm due to a cold. 

Later, it was midnight, I was in bed, everything was normal, it had been a completely normal day. 

Until Best Friend called. 

Why?? 

He had been at a bar watching the football game.  Chicago had pulled off a win and now he was full of energy, wanting to hang out.

"No, remember?  We aren't doing this anymore."
"I just want to hang out with a friend.  I just want to talk and bullshit with someone."
"I'm in bed already.  I have a long day tomorrow (work 7-4, school 5-10).  I don't know ..."
" 'I don't know' .... that's not a 'no'!"
"Alright, no then." 
"C'mon, I just drove past my house ... I'm near Johnny's Pizza."

He was like 5 minutes away.  I felt like I couldn't tell him no.  So, I climbed out of bed and put on some makeup. 

When he pulled up, my phone rang.  "Hey, I'm here.  I didn't want to ring the doorbell."

Aww, crap.  He didn't want to wake Val up.  That was sweet ... and I knew my resistance to him had just decreased slightly.

He came in, sat on the couch (I laid my head in his lap), and we talked just like he said we would. 

He had said something about how sex now was like practice for your future husband or wife.  I said I disagreed.  I said it didn't matter.  He asked why.  I didn't want to explain.  It was kind of a sentimental thing, and I absolutely hated talking to him about something sentimental.  Why would I discuss sentimental things with someone who was a creep? ... Why was I hanging out with someone I thought was a creep?  Unexplainable.

He said, "If you don't explain yourself, I am going to kiss you."
"Do you realize how lame that is?  Why don't you just say you want to kiss me if that's what you want?  Don't threaten it."
"Well, I know it's something you don't want me to do, and I want you to tell me what you're thinking."
"You're right.  I don't want that, but I'm still not going to tell you."

So, he leaned over and kissed me, but I did not kiss him back. 

He did that probably three times before I finally gave in and kissed him back.  And I don't know what was with him that night, but he was completely sweet.  Probably because he thought it might get him somewhere further.  He called me "beautiful" (I know I was not looking beautiful).

When he was leaving (at 2:30am) he said, "You are so good for me.  You put up with all of my bullshit."
Uhhh???  I didn't know what else to say to that besides, "Yeah, and it's a lot of bullshit."

My week continued normally.  Didn't hear from Ohio.  I had given up on the Marine.  The deal with the Marine really upset me.  How could I have been so wrong about something I had felt so sure about? 

Danielle came into town and we were all supposed to go out Friday night.  By the time I got home from work and got ready though, the girls had pooped out on the idea.  I was all dressed with nowhere to go ...

So I called Best Friend.  He was at work and was going straight home afterwards to go to bed.  He had to work at 3pm the next day.

Ok, now I was pissed --again.  So, I always get convinced to hang out at 1am when I have to get up at 6am, but I can't get him to hang out with me the night before he has to get up by 2pm??  What is up with this picture? 

The next day I was grateful that he said no.  I needed to get back to my "no hooking up" policy, despite my slip up earlier in the week. 

And then, I got my phone call from the Marine.  At training, they had taken their cell phones and he would only have it for an hour or two on weekends.  When he had said he would call from training, I had been pretty skeptical he would be able to, but anyways, I was very happy to hear from him.  As soon as we started talking, I was right back to where I was with him before he left.

I am stupid over him ...

I really should be using this time right now to study or do some reconciling for work; however, there is just too much to get off my chest about the events of the past couple of weeks. 

The guy from Ohio I have been keeping in regular contact with.  He called me the night I drove back and then two days later.  To end the last phone call, he said, "Well, if you're ever near a phone, give me a call ..."

I took that as a signal that he wanted me to call him next to show him that I was interested in keeping the contact going.  So, I gave him a call another two days later.  He wasn't home but called me the next day, and we talked for an hour about religion, politics, etc.  It was great talking to him.  If I let him, he could keep the conversation going the whole time alone, but I found myself actually wanting to talk to him about things and wanting to contribute to the conversation--uncharacter istic for me. 

He said he would call me the next day.  Thus far, he had been good about calling when he said he would call which I loved.  It took the lame waiting game out of it.  However, he did not call the next day.  And he did not call at all during the week.

So, I turned my attention to the Marine that I had spent all summer writing to while he was in basic training.  He had returned home at the end of September and had finally settled back in at home, so we went out for dinner Wednesday. 

He was very attractive, smelled very very nice, and I loved how polite he was.  Whenever I asked him questions, the reponse was always, "Yes, ma'am" or "No, ma'am" (we're the same age, by the way), and when the waiter brought something for him, it was, "Yes, sir.  Thank you, sir."

Considerate to others.  I loved it.  The only problem?  He was leaving to go back to North Carolina for more training in five days.  He would be gone almost two months with a short leave for Thanksgiving and another break in December. 

Nonetheless, I was in Heaven.  Told the girls at work the next morning, "I will bet anything that this is the man that I am going to marry." 

I felt completely crazy for saying it, but it was exactly how I felt.  And the girls confirmed the feeling too.  The first evening with their now-husbands ended with the same crazy feeling.

So, I was strolling along, feeling great about my Marine, easily forgetting about Ohio guy ...

But he would not let me forget so easily!

Two nights later, I was at the hockey game with Val when I noticed I had a voicemail.  Although Ohio guy said his name in his voicemail, I had to listen to it twice to make the connection with who it was. 

As I closed my phone, I laid my head against the glass of the hockey rink in agony, moaning.  Everything I was so certain of was now very uncertain ...

And to top it all off, there was the additional pain of being very aware that Hulk was standing right behind me, watching the game, as he had been thrown out early in the first period ...

Ohio guy called twice on Saturday.  Talked to him for a little bit.  Then, went out with the Marine Saturday night on a double date with Val and Will. 

Val liked him.  That made me like him more. 

After dinner and bowling, we drove back to our place where we all had met up earlier in the evening.  His dad wanted him home early, so he didn't stay long.  As we were saying goodbye, we hugged for a long time, and he said, "I wish I didn't have to go ..."

And I don't know what happened to me, but all of the sudden, tears came from out of nowhere and there was no holding them back.  I tried to take a couple of quck deep breaths to regain my composure, but it wasn't working.  I tried rubbing my cheeks and along my eyes to stop it from happening, but I knew I had to just get inside so I could let it go.  I kissed him quickly and turned away quickly, hoping he didn't see.  What was I?  Crazy?!  I can't cry over a guy I had known for four days.  He was going to think I was psycho.  Ridiculous.  But maybe the fact that I haven't heard anything like the things he said to me in so long that I was super-sensitive to it now ... or maybe I've never really heard those things ever ...

Sunday, I spent at the fair with Val and William.  When I came home, Ohio guy called again, like he said he would the day before. 
"So, when you come back into town in November, are you going to have any free time?"
"Yes, I have one free day ... and that's it."
"Well, if you don't have any plans for your one free day, we should go to the zoo.  I hear it's got some better exhibits."
"Sure, I was actually planning on spending my one free day with you ... " (and now, wait for reaction ...)
"... that's sweet of you." 

Hmm, that'll work. 

Marine guy leaves tomorrow.  I haven't heard from him all day today.  I wonder what he's up to.  He says he will call and write from training.  We'll see.

Ohio guy says he'll call tomorrow.  We'll see.

My prediction:  Positive.  Things will work themselves out on their own.  One or the other (or both) will lose interest, and I won't have to make any sort of decision whatsoever ..

Last week was my attempt to get rid of the "hookups".  They were wearing on me.  Badly.

Workaholic, who I did not think was a hookup, turned out to be one. 

I thought I had rid myself of him when I finally broke down and told him that we didn't have anything to talk about, that we didn't have anything in common.  His response was, "Well ... now I know ..." and then silence the rest of the evening.  Why wouldn't I think that he had finally taken the hint?

Nope!  Two days later, he was calling me at work to see what I was doing and to let me know (again) how much money he will be making at his new job.  I did my best to act completely uninterested (my co-worker said I did well) and resolved to deal with him later.

That night, I asked him what the deal was with some romantic lyrics and poems he put on his profile. 
"Can't I be romantic?"
"Sure, I just never saw you be romantic."
"That's because we dated a whole two months."
"That's when you should be most romantic."
"Don't want to lead a girl on when I'm not looking for a relationship right now."
"Then why do you keep contacting me?"
"I thought we were friends at least ..."
"I'd rather you not contact me at all."
"Ok, bye then."

"Don't want to lead a girl on"?  Why don't you practically smother me for two months and then tell me that again?  "Thought we were friends"?  What "friend" uses another "friend" strictly for hookup purposes unless it is clearly spelled out from the beginning of the pointless relationship?

This set the stage for Best Friend's cutoff point.  About 20 minutes later, he sends a text message that says, "We still on for tonight?"
"No, thanks."

This, of course, spurs a phone call.  The only thing that spurs Best Friend to initiate verbal communication is a denial. 
"What's wrong?  You sound pissed, " he says. 
"Nothing."
"C'mon, just tell me." (he sounds very concerned)
"Why would I tell you?  You're just a hookup."
After some more convincing and prompting, I tell him, "Ok, fine.  I'm tired of guys like you who think they can just get whatever they want from me and never have to commit."
Pause.  "Can I call you when I get off work?"

I hung up the phone and looked over at Val. 
"He didn't like that, did he?" she asked.

I didn't think he would really call back.  Figured I gave him an earful already. 

He did call back though.  I explained that I didn't think we would be seeing each other anymore.
"So you don't want to hookup anymore outside of a relationship?"
"No, I don't want to hookup anymore without the POTENTIAL of a relationship."  He and every other guy I had met lately were so close-minded about the idea, they would never see what they were looking for even if it was right in front of them.

He spent AN HOUR AND A HALF trying to convince me that I was making my decision too hastily.  I needed a man's opinion, he kept telling me.  I was basing my decision too much on the input of other women, etc. etc. and some more bullshit (I was flattered though that he did not give up hooking up with me without a fight).

The only one left to tell was Hulk when he called for his.

I left for Ohio for a long weekend where I spent a lot of time with a friend's ex-boyfriend.  I was surprised at how instantly we connected even after five years.  We met up for lunch my last day there and we discussed his dating life.
"Are you dating anyone?" I asked.
"No."
"Why not?"
"Oh, I don't know.  I dated my last girlfriend for two years."
"Wow, you're a long-term kind of guy, huh?" (he had dated my friend for quite a while also)
"Yeah, I don't like to do casual dating.  I'd rather not waste my time.  I'd rather spend my time getting to know someone and finding out if there is potential for anything."

Fuck.  You mean to tell me that I was sitting inches away from a handsome, sweet guy who thinks the same way I do ... but lives 500 miles away???  I came up with a theory that dating is just too easy in Atlanta.  Everytime you turn around there's another single person who has maybe just one thing better than the person you dated before him/her.  In Ohio, it's a different story because you are more grateful for what you get!

He called me as I was driving back to Atlanta and said he would call throughout the week.  I'm not sure where he's going with this ...

When I got back to Atlanta, I found that a lot can change in four days!  Hulk was now 'in a relationship'. 

Maybe I'm mad that I didn't get to be the one to break it to him that our little escapade was over.  Maybe I'm mad that I got so sappy over this whole relationship and the possibility that maybe there was more to it that just wasn't being said by either of us.  Maybe I was mad that after a year's worth of putting my feelings on the line, I didn't even get what I wanted.

Maybe I am most mad that I will hear 'I told you so' from Val for at least a week ...

Fuckin brutal.