Never Felt So Alive

It only took a week for the Marine to come back.

I thought it was going to be the smoothest, easiest breakup I've ever been through.  He hadn't contacted me all week.  Yes, I thought about him.  And yes, it was painful.  But the fact that he had basically disappeared helped the process.

I woke up Saturday morning to a message that I didn't want. 
"What u up to?" ... from the Marine.
"Don't send me messages.  I don't want to hear from you."
"You're not going to find anyone better than me, Michelle."
"Yeah, whatever.  Same to you."
"I know that.  And it sucks."
"You had no right to say to me what you said last weekend.  I did nothing to deserve that.  You could admit that at least."
"You can still come and see me, right?"
What??? "No, I can't."

That night, me, Val and William went to a bar to see a classic rock cover band.  At the bar, I texted back and forth with Hulk who had wanted me to come over.  I told him I couldn't make it over there before 11pm.  He decided that was too late since he had a game in the morning.

Long before the Marine, I had started talking to a guy, Zach.  Our schedules often conflicted, so we hadn't had a chance to meet up until I invited him out to the bar with us.  When he arrived, I wondered why I hadn't made a better effort to meet up with him sooner.  He was cute. 

Instead of making me more at ease with this new guy, the alcohol I drank made me feel more awkward, nervous, and self-concious.  I was sure that I was making a horrible first impression.  Plus, when Zach got up to go to the bathroom, Val and Will announced that they liked him.  I felt a little more pressure since those two have always been accurate with their judgment of the guys I dated ... this one must be good.

Today, I did some volunteer work.  My brilliant plan of action to get over the Marine included sloppy drunkenness, sex (accomplished last weekend), and believe it or not, a selfless act as a reminder that there are greater problems in the world than my petty relationship problems. 

I felt good about myself afterward.  I came home and cooked tacos for me, Val, and William, singing and dancing in the kitchen and text messaging Zach who said he had a great time last night and that he was looking forward to getting to know me. 

Then, I got the always predictable text message from Hulk.
"Are you at the game?"
"No, I couldn't make it.  Did you guys win?"
"I don't know.  I'm suspended."
"Why?"
"Touching a ref.  You wanna come out?"
"Nope.  I'm out of commission as of today."
"You wanna help me study for a bit?"
"For real studying?  Or is that code for something else?"
"I'm studying world lit."
"If you want me to, I can try to help.  I don't know what I would do though."
"I just can't concentrate."  I knew what that meant.  He always told me that he had to "take care of things" before he could do homework or else he wouldn't be able to focus.
I made it very clear:  "No, if I came over, it would have to be to talk or to study, nothing sexual."

He told me to come over.  I rolled my eyes to Val and William as I walked out the door.  I didn't have a good feeling about this.

When I got there, we started reading one of his books. 
It wasn't long before he looked at his watch and said, "Well, you've been here for twenty minutes ... I tried."
Disappointment came over me.  "What do you mean?"
"I can't concentrate."
"Well, I'm leaving then.  I can't do anything about that."
"You're leaving?  Don't leave.  Why can't you do anything?"
"Because I'm not turned on.  I'm not feeling well."
"What would help that?"
Ugh, I would give it a shot.  "How about you make out with me?  Maybe that would work."

We made out.  He wanted to go further.  I said I couldn't do it.  I mean, I could have, but I really, really didn't want to (plus, I was interested in his reaction).  I just wanted to be able to sit there with him, really actually help him study, just relax and be normal with him for once.  But who was I kidding? 

He complained.  And I became more disappointed.  I sat up.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing.  This was a bad idea.  I don't know why I am here."  I got up.
"You're leaving?"
"Yeah."  I picked up my keys.
"Why?"
"Because.  We don't know how to do anything besides have sex.  And if we can't have sex, then what's the point?"

He didn't say anything.  So I left.

And that will most likely be the end of that.  I'm sure he will go tell all of his hockey friends how I was so dramatic, acting like a 12 year old, and storming out.  I don't care anymore.  I don't know why for the past year, I have chosen to pretend to be someone I am not around him just so I could spend some time with him.  When all along, I've had the option to be the person I really am with any of the nice guys I have gone out with but blew off because I wasn't ready to give up this stupid thing that I have with Hulk. 

For example, I still talk to CJ who is perfectly sweet and cute and wants to go out again; however, I continue to blow him off because I would rather be treated like a prostitute.  And CJ lets me feel exactly how I want to feel.  If I'm annoyed because he calls too much, he wants to know.  If I'm feeling stressed and tired from work and school, he wants to know about it. 

Just the other night, he wanted to know why I was being so quiet and he said, "I want to be there for you, but it's hard when you won't let me." 

When will I ever learn? 

I thought my feelings about the Marine had been cleared up.  I wouldn't die for him, so I wasn't in love with him.  Not enough anyway to change my entire life around for him.  And even though he had told me he loved me, his behavior sure wasn't showing that.

So, I had no problem sleeping with Hulk the next weekend.

Actually, that's not entirely true.  I did have a problem with it.
First text message from him: "Hey did you hook up with Bastard?" 
"Umm, no!  Why?  Is that what he's telling everyone?"
"Nope just heard through the grapevine ... p.s. i'm single again"
I didn't respond.  What did I care? 
"You wanna come out?"
"No, I have a long day tomorrow"
"Me too no excuse"
Ok, that one didn't work.  Try another.  "It's been too long. It would be too weird"
"No it wouldn't.  We would just get down to business"
Ugh.  I didn't want to do business.  I didn't respond.
"We need to get reacquainted, just give it a try"
"I don't feel up to getting 'reacquainted' "
"You could be here by midnight"
"Not tonight"  He was wearing me down.  So, it was "not tonight" instead of flat-out "no" in case I would feel up to seeing him another night when I wasn't already in bed.

Sure enough, the next day 6pm, "How about tonight??"
"I'll call you after the football game," I said, completely intending to do so; however, when I got home from the game and got out of the shower, I just laid in bed, deciding that I was not going and that I wasn't going to call him.  He wouldn't care.

Wrong.  Shortly after I laid down: "Are you at Dave's?"
"No, I'm at home"
"Ok so no go?"
"I don't know, I guess not"
"I thought you didn't know?"
"I haven't talked to you in like four months"
"What do you want me to do?"
I didn't have the answer to that question, and exasperated, I responded, "Fin e, I give in.  I'll be there in an hour"

After we "got down to business" (twice), I realized that nothing had really changed.  The only difference was that in our conversation afterwards, we talked about our relationships and dating lives, and I was surprised that it was not as hard to hear as I thought it would be.  We fell asleep at 3am, my alarm went off at 4:30am, and I left quietly, without waking him up to say goodbye, just like I always did.  He would get on me about that later, just like he always did.

That next week was a whirlwind of emotions, ups and downs with the Marine who continued to ask me to go to NC to visit him.  I finally agreed to come up after my Saturday class that weekend, but when I went to MapQuest for directions and saw that it was an 8-hour drive, hesitation set in.
"I just feel like we can plan this better.  I don't want to drive 8 hours, spend 12 hours there and then drive back.  Let's reschedule to a week where I can get some time off work."
"So, you're not coming ... Michelle, I'll do anything."
"Really?"
"Yes, anything."
"Well, it's going to cost me $100 in gas for this trip.  I wouldn't mind if I was actually spending a couple of days there."
"I'll pay for your gas."
"Then I'll be there."

I ended up skipping my class on Saturday, taking a hit on my attendance grade so I could get up there at a decent hour.  He met me outside the gates of the base.  He was so handsome and sweet, any frustration I felt toward him was instantly gone. 

We went from the gates to a hotel.  I collapsed on the bed and didn't move the rest of the night.  The trip and the thought of making the trip again in what felt like a few short hours had given me a huge headache. 

The Marine was sweet though.  He curled up next to me the entire night, giving me my space when I needed it, and offering to get me a Sprite to calm my stomach.  I woke up in the morning, not understanding how I ever could have questioned that I loved this guy. 

He bought me lunch before I left.  He asked me if I would marry him and how soon I could come back to do so.  I told him within the next couple of weeks. 

The week after I got back, however, did not go well, and we ended it exactly one week after I had gone up there--a very unpleasant ending. 

After hanging up the phone with him, I promptly left for my friend, Holly's, place where I proceeded to get sloppy drunk, puking in their toilet (in front of a handsome, single guy--but what did I care?) and passing out in the guest bedroom at 11:30pm.  Embarrassing, yes, but I felt much better.

I felt even better when I woke up the next morning and saw that I had received a text message from Hulk at midnight: "Hey, just seeing what's up" 

When I got home, I made a mental note to write him back later in the evening but it was unnecessary because shortly after I got home, he sent another: "Hey, what are you up to today?"
"Nothing, what's up?"
"Did i wake you"
"Nope, I was up, sorry i missed you last night"
"No worries, we were on the bus and i just wanted to chat"
"Did you guys have a game?"
"All weekend florida trip"
"Did you guys win?"
"Went 2 and 1 but hey, we can talk about that when you get here"
"Oh yeah? And when am I supposed to get there?"
"Asap"
"In the middle of the day?? Are you messing with me?"

When I get there, the first thing he says is, "So, I talked to Bastard.  He told me that you two went all the way.  So, either he's lying or you're lying."
"HE'S LYING!"  I said, furious.
Hulk let me go on in my rage for a few minutes before finally, he burst out laughing and said, "No, I'm kidding.  He didn't really say that.  But he did say something that disturbed me ..."
"What was that?"
"That you didn't want to go to that New Year's party because you didn't want to run into me."
I didn't respond.  He knew what that meant.
"That's true???  Why wouldn't you want to run into me?  You know, I would have made it a very happy new year's."
"You've got a girlfriend, whatever.  Running into you and your girlfriend is another story."  He admitted that I had a point. 

So, my update for the past two weeks?  I'm right back where I started ...

It's not very often that anything interesting happens on a Wednesday.

But this past week was an exception.

I had a date on Wednesday night with CJ.  I was not optimistic.  I met him online and spoke to him for the first time on Tuesday night.  The conversation was filled with awkward silences.  I would say something and pause, waiting for some sort of response from him ... and never get one.  And vice versa.  I would open my mouth to respond ... but couldn't get anything to come out.

So, I half-grudgingly did my hair that morning before work in preparation for the date. 

During work, Val received a text message from a mystery person, asking if she would give me his phone number.  We scoured the internet, trying to find out if the number was in someone's profile.
"Is it Jonnie?"  I asked.
"Hang on," she said, pulling up his profile and comparing the numbers.  "It is!"

Ah, the good ol' days of Jonnie and Ron.  Val and I dated these two best friends until Jonnie basically disappeared, like so many of the guys I like do after about a month.  He resurfaced later with a girlfriend who soon became his fiancee who soon became a lesbian. 

And that's when I get my phone call.  When the girl you ditch me for ditches you for another girl.

I got an email from him. 
"Sorry its been so long since i have tried to talk to you. i switched from nextel to verizon and when i changed phones i lost a lot of numbers and yours was one of them. but maybe if you can forgive me we could start talking again. maybe even get the four of us(me, ron, you and your sister) together like old times. call me sometime if you want"

I thought about telling him no way.  That you can't just disappear on people, reappear whenever it suits you, and expect everything to be fine or "like old times".  But, memories of "old times" made it too hard to pass up.  So, the four of us made plans for Friday.

As I headed to Olive Garden to make my 7:30pm dinner date, I received a text message from CJ asking, "Are you here yet? lol"  It was 7:10pm.
"No ... why?  Are you already there?"

Now, in my three years of single life, here is something I have never encountered.  A guy who is so thoughtful and sweet that he arrives to the restaurant twenty minutes early so that I don't have to wait when I get there.  Why hasn't any other guy thought of this before?  I was impressed already and even more so when I got to the restaurant and he was already seated at the table, an appetizer arriving as I sat down. 

The conversation started off slowly.  That was probably mainly due to the fact that I was too focused on putting the food into my mouth instead of all over my face or in my lap.  Once the dishes were cleared, the conversation picked up.  He asked me if I wanted to go out after dinner, but I declined.
"No, I just want to get this over with ... the first date, I mean ... not that I'm having a bad time or that I'm not interested in you .... just the awkwardness, you know?" 

And that's how I was all night--a stuttering, rambling mess.  I was amazed he wanted to hang out again, but we made plans to get together sometime over the weekend.

On my way home, I talked to my good friend Kate from back home who announced that she was getting married.  I was excited, but also suddenly slightly stressed at the idea of helping Kate and Val both plan their weddings.

As I was laying in bed, I got a text message from the Marine: "U up? i miss u"
"Yes I'm up.  Hope you had a nice time while you were here"
"Wish I would have spent more time with you"

I rolled my eyes, closed my phone, and rolled back over ... but then my phone started ringing.  I debated for a minute before finally picking up. 
"When are you coming to visit me?" he asked.
"I'm not."
"Why not?"
"Umm, because you stood me up?"
"I'm sorry."
"Where were you?  What happened to you?  Why didn't you call?"  I asked, trying to keep from crying.
"I was hanging out with my dad.  You can call him.  He'll tell you.  Will you please call him?"
"No, I don't care where you were.  I care that you didn't call me to let me know.  We had plans.  What do you want from me?  Why do you keep doing this to me?"
"I'm sorry ... Michelle, please move up here and be with me."
"No."
"Michelle, you don't want to marry me anymore?"
"No."
"Please, Michelle, please.  I want to marry you.  I want to be with you.  I want to start my life with you."  He was crying now.  It was hard to hear.
"No, I'm not going to marry someone who can't even call me to let me know where he is.  Do you realize that everything would be fine right now if you just would have called me to tell me where you were?"

After a lot of talking and crying between the both of us, I finally told him that I would think about coming up to visit him, but that he had a lot to prove to me. 

The next day at work, I was getting opinions from all the girls on what I should do and whether I should go.
"Well, I'm definitely not going unless he pays for my gas," I told them.  "I'm not dropping $50 to drive up there and then not be able to get a hold of him.  I would be stuck in NC by myself for the weekend."
"Yeah, and definitely let him know about your date the other night.  Let him know that you're keeping your options open."

But the best advice came from my boss. 
"Do you love him enough to move to North Carolina for him?"
" ... yes?"  We had talked about marriage, but it seemed that we had skipped the part about whether or not we were in love with each other.
She could tell I was uncertain.  "What color are his eyes?"
"Oh my gosh, you know, I have no idea."
"Then, you're not in love."  I thought on that one for a minute when she asked, "Would you die for him?
That one was easy.  The answer came quickly.  "No."  There probably was a time when I would have, but that was gone the first time he stood me up. 
"Would you die for your sister?"
Also easy.  "Yes."
"And your mom?"
"Yes."
"See?  That's love.  That's how my family judges it anyway.  But maybe my family is a little too extreme in how we think about things--"
"No, not at all.  I like that way of thinking."

In fact, it had just cleared everything up for me.  Or so I thought ...

How I imagined my New Year's Eve would go:  A nice, quiet evening with the Marine.  Romantic, sweet.  One last perfect evening together before he had to go back to NC. 

But, of course, many let-downs from the Marine left me seeking other plans for New Year's.  Even the Marine's final call back on Saturday did not convince me to give him another chance.

The whole tone of the voicemail was weird, like he had seen this coming, that he knew I had purposely ignored his call because of Friday night, and that he wasn't surprised.  He didn't even start speaking at first.  The first thing I heard was this weird laugh-sigh combination noise and then, "Hey, I was just seeing what you was doing ... give me a call back when you can ... we had some company come in ... our family ... (then another one of those noises.  I swear, that noise will haunt me forever.  Then, his tone changed--much sweeter, quieter, sadder) ... just give me a call back, ok?  Bye."

So, instead, I spent New Year's with some guys from the hockey team.  One guy in particular who Val and I like to call "Bastard".  Val and Bastard had a short fling way back when.  He completely lost his appeal, however, when he blew the team's eligibility for Nationals by failing a Regent's test prep class.  We still ran into him at parties and at our restaurant though. 

When he invited me to the party, I had some reservations about his intentions (just because he invited me, did that mean I had to kiss him at midnight?) but decided to go anyway.  Besides Val and William were making me slightly sick with their husband-wife routine on the couch. 

I arrived at the party half an hour to midnight--thankfully, since I was already bored by the time midnight rolled around. 

As we counted down from 30 seconds, I made sure to stare straight ahead since I could feel Bastard staring straight at me.  I felt him punch me lightly in the arm at about 15 seconds.  I smiled but made sure not to avert my eyes from the TV.  I knew I would get it right on the lips if I did.  Ohh, where was Nasty, the goalie?  He was literally sitting on top of me five minutes ago and now, he was nowhere in sight.  Eh, not like I would have the guts to grab him and kiss him anyway.

At midnight, Bastard sat there awkwardly for a moment.  Then said, "Come here," (keep face forward, keep face forward) grabbed my arm and pulled me over to him to kiss me on the cheek.  I looked over at him finally.  He looked at me as if he was going to zero in now that I finally turned my head.  I smiled, said thanks, and quickly jumped up to wish everyone else Happy New Year's. 

When I sat back down next to him, I asked, "You getting wasted tonight?"
"I figured I would see what you were doing."
"Oh, I'm not getting wasted.  I'm going home here shortly."
"Well, I am watching my friend's mansion for him and wanted to see if you wanted to go out there and drink with me."
"Oh, no.  I'm going home here shortly," I repeated for emphasis.
"Well, would you mind giving me a ride back at least?"
"Don't you want to try to get a ride home from one of these girls?  You might be able to pick one up ..."

So, I gave him a ride home.  To Buckhead.  
"How was your 2006?" he asked.
"It was fine.  The whole male part of it could have been better though."
"Why's that?"
"Well, you know, I would have liked to have been in a relationship, but it doesn't work out.  Either I like him and he doesn't like me or he likes me and I don't like him."
"What are some of the reasons you don't usually like guys?"
"Well, the biggest thing is ..." I stopped myself from finishing that sentence.
"What?  You can tell me."
"Well, nothing against you, but I hate dating a guy who isn't independent.  You know, like he still lives with his parents."

Then, he went into this big spiel about how he DID live with a roommate for a while, how he DID live with his last girlfriend for a while, how his mom loves him and wouldn't mind if he lived there until he was 35!  I tried to keep my eyes from rolling into the back of my head. 

Once we finally got there, he invited me inside to take a tour.  Yes, yes, very nice house, but I had to get going.  I was in the driveway, outside my car, the car was unlocked.  All I had to do was get in and go.  But ...

"C'mon, what are you going to do when you get home?  Go to bed?"
"That's the idea."
"I've been alone in this big house for two weeks.  All I'm going to do is watch a movie and go to bed.  You can sleep in one of the guest bedrooms.  If you're worried that I'm gonna push something, I'm not."

That's what I was worried about.  And I thought I was being arrogant for thinking it.  C'mon, not EVERYone wants to hook up with you ... but then again, what guy invites a chick over with innocent intentions?

So, I walked back in and sat on the couch.  He sat in the chair across the room.  Good.  Stay over there. 

But he didn't. 

He would bring me a shot of vodka and plop down next to me.  He would touch me in some way or another--squeeze my side or my knee.  I would keep smacking his hand away and somehow it would find its way back. 

After I had too much, I rolled over to pass out and he would stand over me and kiss me on the cheek.  Ugh.  Over and over.  Yeah, sure, he wasn't pushing ANYthing. 

When I woke up in the morning, I gave him an awkward hug goodbye and thanked him for inviting me to last night's party.
"What?  Leaving without a makeout session?" he asked

And I got the hell out of there ...