Never Felt So Alive

Well, I gave the relationship thing a try.

It was not for me.

After almost three weeks, I broke up with him. He asked me not to. He asked me to give it another week. But I broke up with him anyway.

I called him the next night saying that I thought I had made a mistake by breaking up with him. I had spent most of the work day screaming at my computer screen, "I just want to email him!" while my coworkers persuaded me not to.

That night, I called him with shaky hands and said, "I think I made a bad decision. Do you think we could do the one more week thing and decide then if we wanted to continue to see each other?"

He agreed and said, "If you hadn't called me tonight, I was going to call you tomorrow and beg."

But he was just moving too fast in the relationship direction again. He invited me to a wedding that was in TWO weeks, which was a violation of our agreement to see how ONE week went. I tried not to panic and told him that I probably would not be able to go.

That weekend, the question of each day was, "So, are you my girlfriend?" or "Can I call you my girlfriend?"

I kept telling him no or that I didn't know. He asked me if I was going to be seeing other people, because he would not be.

I answered, "Well, I'm not seeing anyone else right now and I don't have anyone in mind, but I guess the option is there if it happens."

And I took advantage of that option by going out with the guy from school, who was a lot of fun, but we haven't made it out again since.

We got together one night for a game of cards with Val and Will. I thought the evening was going well. Everyone seemed to be having a good time.

Until it was time for bed.

As we climbed into bed, he told me that he felt ignored that night and that I wasn't paying enough attention to him. He had expressed these same feelings after we had gone to the lake also. I told him I was confused because I thought he was having a good time.

"What exactly could I have done so that you didn't feel ignored?" I asked.

"I don't know."

"Well, I can't do anything about it if you can't give me a solution."

Then, he pulled me over to try to kiss me. Guys have great timing like that.

This weekend, after six weeks into it, he decided he couldn't handle not being in a relationship anymore, even though he had told me previously that I had three months to decide if I wanted to be serious or not.

It started when I went to Buckhead with some girls. I went out with the intention of picking up some guys, but when we got there, no one was as cute as him or as sweet as him. I thought, wow, this is it. I really don't have an eye for other guys any more. Just him.

I was just shaking hands with a group of guys who had stopped to talk to my coworker. She was getting all the action that night, so I was playing wingman and talking to the friends to keep them preoccupied while she got to know the cute one.

And that was when he came up to me. He had come down to see a concert with a friend and ended up at the same bar. I was happy to see him. He was what I had wanted all night.

But he just made some snide remark about the guys I was talking to, told me to have a good night and walked off.

Later that evening, I became separated from the group. And I (literally) bumped into him again.

"Where are your friends?" he asked.

"I don't know. I lost them."
"What do they look like?"

I gave a description of one of the girls and he looked around for a brief second, said he hoped I could find them and walked off again.

I don't know if I was angry or pleased with what he did. He knew I was independent and liked to solve my problems on my own, but this was his chance to save me. This was his chance to either offer to help me find my friend, offer to join him and his friend (at least until I found my friend), or offer me a ride since mine was now missing.

I left the bar, hoping to find my friends or a cab and found neither. Feeling very hopeless, I called Val, crying, asking for a number for a cab company.

Val, instead, was my hero. I didn't even have to ask. She and William offered to come pick me up (although they were an hour away) and sent William's friends (who were in the same area) to come keep me company and make sure I was ok.

He called the next day. Said that watching me talk to other guys last night was more than he could take.

"Those guys??" I said. "I wasn't interested in any of those guys." I wasn't attracted to them. I wasn't even flirting.

"I know ..." he said.

I blew a gasket, became defensive and angry (told him that I couldn't handle how needy he was anyway), and hung up on him.

Right as I thought I might be ready, he decided it was over.

Relationships ... what a waste of time ...