Never Felt So Alive

As I try to shove feelings for Hulk way down to and out of my toes, I am trying to fend off my second-most-hated-ex, the Former Workaholic. 

Yes, the dude who I went to Florida with over Labor Day weekend last year has somehow managed to resurface in my life as if he belonged there. 

I blew him off a couple of times.  Tentatively made plans with him and then never called to confirm.  He announced publicly on my myspace page that he never thought I would be so rude. 

Well, things have changed since we dated last, buddy.  I am now rude, crude, and don't put up with anymore of your crap!

Or so I thought.

The night after going out to Wild Bill's with Val and William and seemingly having my text message ignored, I went home.  I called Val and William around 11am to see if they wanted to go to the soapbox races. 

They were still in bed.

I plopped on the couch wondering who else might go with me.  And he text messaged me.

"How about lunch?"

Was I developing a headache all of the sudden?  Yes, definitely.  I shouldn't respond.  I would give him my excuse later ... but maybe that headache was caused by sheer boredom.  There was only one way I was going to succomb to this guy ...

"Are you buying?"
"Yep, on me."

On my way there, my sister called me.
"Sorry we didn't go today ... are you in the car?  What are you doing?"  There was suspicion in her voice already.
"I'm going to lunch," I responded, dreading the question I knew was coming next.
"With who?"  Ugh.  It was like a knife in the gut.
I told her.
"Mi-chelle!"&nb sp;she said, disapprovingly.  "I knew that if we didn't go to the soapbox races you were going to do something stupid!"
"I know!" I cried.  I couldn't believe I was doing this either.  "He's already driving me crazy.  He's there and he's already called me to find out why I'm not there yet!"

As soon as we sat down to eat, it started.  The constant flow of junk that spewed from his mouth as if he were the Everlasting Know-It-All. 

"You're vegetarian?  You have a protein deficiency."  Thanks for the diagnosis!
"I can sleep with a lot of women and be seen as a real man.  If you sleep with a lot of men, society views you as a whore."  Ooo, you're so insightful into the ways of society!

And my absolute favorite ...

"My mom came over to clean my bathtub the other day.  She couldn't believe my girlfriend let it get so bad."  You have got to be kidding me!

My one lunch outing with him has turned into a relationship that will probably soon require a restraining order.  For a split second, I had thought he had matured from the days we spent together a year ago, when I just liked to look at his pretty face and his chiseled body ...

... and block everything else out ...

"Guess who is in town?"  his text message said.

I debated whether to respond.  Earlier that day, before the text message, when I informed the girls at work that I found out he would be in town, they had given me a pep talk, reminded me of how angry I was the day he left, encouraged me to stay strong. 

"Yeah?  Til when?"  I responded.
"Tuesday." 

I text messaged Candace. 
"He text messaged me."
"What did he say?  Does he say anything about getting together?"
"No ... good.  Maybe he won't."
"If you haven't responded already, DON'T!"

That gave me some strength.  I didn't respond, and he didn't say anything else.  I was relieved and surprised ... and a little insulted.  Normally, he would nag me to come out.  Oh well.

My strength lasted all evening while me, Val, and William went out to Wild Bill's.  And then we left.  Val and Will went to bed.  And I got bored.  So I broke down.

"Are you still up?"

And no response.  No response that night.  No response the next night.  Why did I even bother?

No response until Sunday night.  I was home alone.  No one could stop me from going over there.  No one to make me feel guilty for what I was about to do. 

And so I did. 

When I got there, the first thing that I noticed was that he had grown his hair out.  One of the last things that I had said to him the last time I saw him was that I liked his hair better long.  And he was sweet, so sweet.  And I fell for it again. 

As he walked out with me, he said he would call me tomorrow so we could hang out again before he left. 

For some reason, I was surprised when he didn't. 

And I have sworn him off.

Again.

Last week, Josh finally contacted me.  He sent me some lame email, asking what's up and how am I doing.  I said I was fine and how was he.  He emailed back some long explanation of his weekend. 

No conversation continuers.

So, I text messaged him.  I said, "Since we can't make a relationship work, do you think we could still sleep together?"

Why?  The sex was horrible.  I didn't even like the idea of having sex with him.  Sometimes I had avoided hanging out with him completely, just so I didn't have to come up with an excuse as to why we couldn't have sex.

But I guess I missed the closeness and actually feeling something with a guy for once.

"I think I could handle that," he responded.

So, he came over last Wednesday. 

"I was hoping that maybe this was about more than just sex," he admitted.

And it was about more than just sex.  I wanted some reason to see him, because I was having a hard time without him.  I just wanted to be around him. 

"Last Sunday when I called you, I wasn't going to end it."
"I thought you were.  And I didn't want to hear it."
"No, I was just going to ask if we could just be together.  You know how you said that you date several guys at once because none of them are exactly what you're looking for?  Well, when you told me that you wanted to date other people, it made me feel like I wasn't enough for you or that I was missing something you're looking for."
"But I wasn't even dating other people.  And I wasn't even interested in those guys I was talking to Saturday night."
"I know, one of my friends said, 'Hey, that guy is talking to your girl' and I said, 'It's ok, he doesn't stand a chance.  She doesn't like bald guys.' "

So, we were back to normal which really was back to an unofficial relationship.  We went with Val and Will to Biloxi and New Orleans the next weekend.  Had a pretty good time.  He had his immature moments, but I was beginning to accept the fact that every guy was going to have those, and I would just have to get over it. 

The next week, I got sick and then slammed at work, leaving me no time to hang out with Josh. 

Friday, I got this text message, "Do you still feel the same as you did last week?"

Ugh, I hated reassuring him of how I felt.  It seemed like that was all I ever did.

And then Hulk sent me a text message ...