It only took a week for the Marine to come back.

I thought it was going to be the smoothest, easiest breakup I've ever been through.  He hadn't contacted me all week.  Yes, I thought about him.  And yes, it was painful.  But the fact that he had basically disappeared helped the process.

I woke up Saturday morning to a message that I didn't want. 
"What u up to?" ... from the Marine.
"Don't send me messages.  I don't want to hear from you."
"You're not going to find anyone better than me, Michelle."
"Yeah, whatever.  Same to you."
"I know that.  And it sucks."
"You had no right to say to me what you said last weekend.  I did nothing to deserve that.  You could admit that at least."
"You can still come and see me, right?"
What??? "No, I can't."

That night, me, Val and William went to a bar to see a classic rock cover band.  At the bar, I texted back and forth with Hulk who had wanted me to come over.  I told him I couldn't make it over there before 11pm.  He decided that was too late since he had a game in the morning.

Long before the Marine, I had started talking to a guy, Zach.  Our schedules often conflicted, so we hadn't had a chance to meet up until I invited him out to the bar with us.  When he arrived, I wondered why I hadn't made a better effort to meet up with him sooner.  He was cute. 

Instead of making me more at ease with this new guy, the alcohol I drank made me feel more awkward, nervous, and self-concious.  I was sure that I was making a horrible first impression.  Plus, when Zach got up to go to the bathroom, Val and Will announced that they liked him.  I felt a little more pressure since those two have always been accurate with their judgment of the guys I dated ... this one must be good.

Today, I did some volunteer work.  My brilliant plan of action to get over the Marine included sloppy drunkenness, sex (accomplished last weekend), and believe it or not, a selfless act as a reminder that there are greater problems in the world than my petty relationship problems. 

I felt good about myself afterward.  I came home and cooked tacos for me, Val, and William, singing and dancing in the kitchen and text messaging Zach who said he had a great time last night and that he was looking forward to getting to know me. 

Then, I got the always predictable text message from Hulk.
"Are you at the game?"
"No, I couldn't make it.  Did you guys win?"
"I don't know.  I'm suspended."
"Why?"
"Touching a ref.  You wanna come out?"
"Nope.  I'm out of commission as of today."
"You wanna help me study for a bit?"
"For real studying?  Or is that code for something else?"
"I'm studying world lit."
"If you want me to, I can try to help.  I don't know what I would do though."
"I just can't concentrate."  I knew what that meant.  He always told me that he had to "take care of things" before he could do homework or else he wouldn't be able to focus.
I made it very clear:  "No, if I came over, it would have to be to talk or to study, nothing sexual."

He told me to come over.  I rolled my eyes to Val and William as I walked out the door.  I didn't have a good feeling about this.

When I got there, we started reading one of his books. 
It wasn't long before he looked at his watch and said, "Well, you've been here for twenty minutes ... I tried."
Disappointment came over me.  "What do you mean?"
"I can't concentrate."
"Well, I'm leaving then.  I can't do anything about that."
"You're leaving?  Don't leave.  Why can't you do anything?"
"Because I'm not turned on.  I'm not feeling well."
"What would help that?"
Ugh, I would give it a shot.  "How about you make out with me?  Maybe that would work."

We made out.  He wanted to go further.  I said I couldn't do it.  I mean, I could have, but I really, really didn't want to (plus, I was interested in his reaction).  I just wanted to be able to sit there with him, really actually help him study, just relax and be normal with him for once.  But who was I kidding? 

He complained.  And I became more disappointed.  I sat up.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing.  This was a bad idea.  I don't know why I am here."  I got up.
"You're leaving?"
"Yeah."  I picked up my keys.
"Why?"
"Because.  We don't know how to do anything besides have sex.  And if we can't have sex, then what's the point?"

He didn't say anything.  So I left.

And that will most likely be the end of that.  I'm sure he will go tell all of his hockey friends how I was so dramatic, acting like a 12 year old, and storming out.  I don't care anymore.  I don't know why for the past year, I have chosen to pretend to be someone I am not around him just so I could spend some time with him.  When all along, I've had the option to be the person I really am with any of the nice guys I have gone out with but blew off because I wasn't ready to give up this stupid thing that I have with Hulk. 

For example, I still talk to CJ who is perfectly sweet and cute and wants to go out again; however, I continue to blow him off because I would rather be treated like a prostitute.  And CJ lets me feel exactly how I want to feel.  If I'm annoyed because he calls too much, he wants to know.  If I'm feeling stressed and tired from work and school, he wants to know about it. 

Just the other night, he wanted to know why I was being so quiet and he said, "I want to be there for you, but it's hard when you won't let me." 

When will I ever learn?