Never Felt So Alive

So, it's been three months. Long enough to start and end a relationship.

Zach and I got serious very soon after we went out. I was crazy about him. He was everything I had been waiting three years to find.

I met his family and his friends. I wasn't crazy about them and their poor financial history (including his mom who opened credit cards in his name once he turned 18 and ruining his credit, his step dad who recently declared bankruptcy, and his girl friend from home who was a bitch). But I loved him anyway.

I wasn't crazy about his beard or his beer gut. But I loved him anyway.

I wasn't crazy about the fact that sex lasted literally about 30 seconds. But I loved him anyway.

He wasn't crazy about my long work hours or my long school hours or the time I had to spend studying or doing homework. He wasn't crazy about the way I always wanted to be in control or the fact that I couldn't just lie there without a million things running across my mind.

And he chose to fight with me about it.

Our fights weren't too bad. They were usually resolved within a day or two. And each time we had a fight, we got better at our next fight - they became discussions instead of screaming matches. But I was going into work crying at least once a week because he was mean when he fought, even without being provoked by me. I grew more and more frustrated, because it seemed that he wanted to pick at everything I did.

Nothing I ever did was right or good enough. I could write pages worth of the things I did that I thought would show him that I loved him - he didn't seem to notice or care. He would still fight with me about how he wasn't receiving enough attention.

Finally, I had it.

I was cleaning the house, telling him I didn't feel up to going to a movie, because I had a headache. He said I was lying. After finishing some cleaning, I decided to lay down and he lay next to me. I reached over for the remote so I could turn on the TV and listen to the game. He stayed there a minute and then went downstairs to read. I figured he couldn't read with the game on.

I didn't think anything of it until the next morning when he wouldn't speak to me after I addressed him several times.

When I got to work, I sent him an email: "You haven't said much too me lately. I'm worried something is wrong."
He responded going on some rant about how he couldn't believe that I would turn the TV on when he was trying to get close to me.

I couldn't believe it.  I wasn't even going to fight with him on this one. I said: "I think I'm done with this."

And it was over until the next day when he emailed me and told me that he missed me and asked me about all of the things that had been going on with me in the course of one day. By the end of the week, he was begging. He was going to prove to me that he could make this work, but I was no longer interested.

I was exhausted. I never put so much effort into making a relationship work. I haven't cared this much about someone in the past three years. I haven't even been this nice to anyone I dated in the past three years. And for him to discount that by constantly pointing out the things I wasn't doing, wore me down to the point where I was starting to feel badly about myself. I was starting to feel guilty about the things I was doing - work and school primarily. The things that have been my life since I moved down here. The things (beside family) that mean the most to me and have been my life since I moved here.

So, here I am again single world! This time, I hope I'm here to stay ...

So, last week was a week of ...

"Was that guy I dated really THAT bad?"
"Why did I stop calling him?"
"He had a lot of good qualities."

It started with Josh (well, it never really ends with Josh), then went on to Steve, from my 21st birthday, and then to Zach.  After reinitiating contact with all, I immediately experienced remorse ... except for one.

I was browsing my myspace page when I saw his profile, and despite his "fresh from a month in the woods" look (I'm talking full beard, shaggy hair, etc.) in his main picture, I was really kicking myself for what I did to that one. 

So, I sent him an email. 
"I'm really sorry for the way it ended.  I could have handled it much better."  Yeah, like I could have returned his phone call. 

I got an email back from him almost right away.  Doesn't take long to type "fuck you," I thought. 

I hesitated to open it.  What if I didn't really want to know what he had to say?  Finally, I just held my breath and clicked. 

"You're not a bad person.  Have a good night."

That's it?!  Tell me you hate me.  Ask me out again.  But don't tell me THAT. 

So, disappointed, I forgot about it.  But not really.  It ate away at me.  That's why when I saw another email from him a week later, I was hoping for either my angry email or my date. 

"Why exactly did you stop talking to me?  I promise not to be offended.  I'm just curious."
My response: "I was really starting to like you and when I tried to distance myself, I went too far.  If I had the chance, I would definitely do things differently."
His response:  "Come on, tell me.  I really want to know."

This caused great fury within me.  Maybe I did make the right decision when I stopped talking to him, as I was finding out with the others with whom I had reinitiated contact.

My response: "So, I told you something that was really hard for me to say and you completely disregarded it.  Thanks."

At this point, our conversation moved from email to text message.  A sign that the conversation was getting more serious.

"I wasn't trying to be a jerk," he said.
"Maybe I took it the wrong way then."
"I was really starting to like you too.  It sucked not hearing from you."
Here, I took the opportunity to take a coworkers advice, take a chance, and work my way back in: "Well, if I can make it up to you - like dinner or something - let me know."
"Well, I would like to see you again but not because you feel bad."
"I was just using that as an excuse to get you to go out with me."

So, we went to dinner and a movie.  The dinner was probably the most disastrous I've ever been to.  Besides my face being broken out, the waitress spilled a cup of ice all over me. 

If that's the most disastrous dinner I ever have, I'm ok with that. 

At the end of the night, I could not believe I ever let him get away.  And two days later when I saw him again, I made sure to tell him,  "I made a big mistake with you."

In addition to Zach, I have more on my plate than I can handle:

- The boss' son has started calling again.  He had not called to hang out before he left for Delaware for a week.  And then did not call for two weeks after - plenty of time for me to get over him and to now only find his daily phone calls annoying.

- A guy I hung out with in Ohio continues to call me everyday.  He's difficult to talk to because, due to a car accident, he sits at home all day watching TV, leaving him little interesting to talk about.  He also has a poor memory, so I often hear the same story multiple times.  It's difficult to answer the phone when he calls.

- A coworker's brother-in-law.  Newly single, just moved out of apartment he shared with his former girlfriend.  Obviously on the rebound ... but the bigger problem is the 31 year old's interest in anime and fantasy.

- And, of course, the ever-present Josh

I was in my office one day when one of the other girls walks in and says, "There's eye candy in the conference room."

I peak my head around her since the conference room is across my office.  I can't get a good view because of the blinds across the conference room window.  Plus his back is to the window, giving me only a sideview.  The only one I can see clearly is the creepy, old IT manager from our office who is holding the meeting.

For the next hour, the three of us twenty-something girls find excuses to pass by the window of the conference room, trying to get a better glimpse. 

When the meeting is over, we pummel our guy with questions.
"Who was that guy?  Did you get his business card?  What's his website address?  Did YOU think he was good looking?"

Of course, it was all in fun.  We didn't think anything else of it until a couple of days later when IT manager walks into my office, sits down, and tosses a business card on my desk. 

I give him a very strange look as I look it over and ask, "Who is this?"  I figure it's someone he wants me to call about a software problem.
"Read the name."
"Uh-huh.  Who is he?"
"The IT headhunter who was in here the other day that you girls were going on and on about."
"Why are you giving this to me?"
"You wanted his email address, didn't you?"
I burst into laughter.  "How did you get this?"

Apparently, IT manager had a meeting with Headhunter at his office.  As IT Manager was leaving, Headhunter asks, "So, do you have any other questions for me?"
"Well, I do have one, but it's kind of unrelated ..."
"Ok, hit me."
"You might want to hit ME after I ask this ... but some of the girls in the office thought you were cute.  Are you married?"
Headhunter shows his 10 unringed fingers and says, "26 and single!"  IT Manager leaves with a small pile of business cards to distribute.

I tell him he is a good wingman and that maybe I should take him to bars and clubs with me.  I wanted to defer to one of the other single girls on this one since I didn't get as good of a look as I would have liked, but she refused.

So, I whipped up an email:

"Randy gave me your business card yesterday.  I know this is a little weird, but I wanted to see if you wanted to meet for a drink after work sometime.  I also know it’s a little unfair that I’ve seen you but you haven’t seen me, so I’m sending you a link to my myspace page.  Check it out, and if you’d like, email me back.  You might get a couple other emails like this, but don’t worry - we promise not to fight over you."

He emailed me back, and we decided to meet for a drink that Friday.  Beforehand, I was panicking.  I had to constantly ask Val, the only one who saw him in his entirety, for reassurance that she thought he was attractive (I don't guess that it even mattered anymore - after how much we talked, he seemed like a good guy). 

When we met, he was very attractive from the side (which I already knew), and pretty good looking straight on - slightly balding.  We had a nice conversation and asked me to go out with him and his friends that night, but by the end of the evening I was still on the fence about him, so I agreed to go out with him again another time, especially because he was everything I needed that I was not finding in the other guys I had been dating - successful, smart, mature ... wealthy ... NOT LIVING AT HOME WITH PARENTS.

The only thing he wasn't - modest.  He liked to talk about all the things he does for his employees, about how much they love working for them, about how often he takes them all out, etc.  This was unimpressive to me and eventually made my decision for me since I couldn't take it anymore.

Fortunately, he made it easy for me and didn't call me again anyway ...

It was doomed from the beginning.  His last name was also the first name of Hulk, Workaholic, and Lacrosse Guy.  I should have known better ...